I have a growth on my foot. I think it's called as 'toe'.

www.stevenatorlink.blogspot.com

I won't be using this journal anymore. I've changed it. If you want to know what the new one is, let me know by emailing me.

So here's an update:

I own a dagger. I have for about a week, but still.
Second update. I own a short sword... it's actually short.
3rd update. I own a pairing knife that I got for free at Sears.
All of which were possessed within 20 minutes of eachother. It was amazing.


Own more.

Yale Prayer Rally April Tuesday the 18.
Party.

Despite the sadness of this past week, I'm comforted fully. Like today was a good day. An authenticly good day. The first day in a really REALLY long time where the only worry I had was a bit of school work that needs to be done for tomorrow evening. Honestly, I'm actually joyful right now. Surprising to me. But, in recognizing God's goodness, it's easy to get past the sadness and crap. It's amazing how things become so much easier when you know everything is in God's hands.

Today I had class and relatively focused. Had chapel, and focused. Had class again- was bored to tears near the end, but still relatively focused. Then I relaxed. Had a meeting with people for a class presentation, and that went well. Then I got a call from Amee asking if I wanted to bake a cake with her and Rachel. Good times... I feel KIND of bad about the crumbs left on Rachels floor... but I swear it wasn't my fault. Niki said I had to leave because my ride showed up. Then went to ministry. It was amazing to be there and not have any worries other than what was on the kids minds. I could goof off and have fun and just love the kids with all that I am. I LOVE that so much. Doing the Bus Ministry this year has given me energy and a reason to press on. Seeing the potential in the kids and gaining that experience in working with people is invaluable. It's amazing to just be an example and watch the kids eyes light up when you are just having fun with them... whether it be climbing a tree, carrying them on your shoulders, or going down a slide with a scooter and watching Dave bail and just land with a thud on the gravel... hahaha. So good.

I'm growing again. I think this is probably the best way to put it. There was a long, very long stage where I wasn't focused, regardless of how much I tried and remembered to look to God... but it wasn't enough. I like Jesus' yoke and burden. It's much easier to cope with than my own crap... plus, he's God... and when he takes my yoke and burden, he just does his thing and takes it on too.

"How great is our God! Sing with me, how great is our God! All we see how great, how GREAT IS OUR GOD!"

A huge aspect and point in my life has just come to a close.
What do I do? Where do I start? How do I go after this so near future of mine?
It starts with putting one foot infront of the other. I just have to, in essence, get on with my life. I am stronger because of this, and as a result more dependant on God than ever, which is definately a positive.
Maybe in the later future i can describe more of how I'm looking at this than now because it's all so recent, and this way my thoughts can be better organized rather than off the cuff remarks. make sense?

Have you ever poured so much into something, think everything was ok, and then, basically, in the blink of an eye it all goes to crap?

I was reminded tonight, going along with the theme of my last entry, but totally unrelated circumstances and the connection was just made, hence this post is this: You can only pour so much. You need to pour and pour into things. And when you pour into them, you'll see fruit. But it doesn't always necessarily mean you'll taste the fruit. You can only pour so much before you start needing something to revitalize you. And it can't come from yourself. Buying something for myself doesn't take away the fact that I need to be fulfilled- yes I do need to do that, but it shouldn't be the source of my nourishment. Nourishment should be coming from more places than just that one. I need more nourishment.

Sometimes though, even after you've poured and recieve, crap happens. Imagine your favorite person or thing inlife. Think about your good times, your bad times, and the things you've been through with this person or thing. How strong you've become together, that bond that is so irreplacable that you cannot imagine life without it. Now, imagine, being bound by chains, around the hands and ankles, and a colar around your neck, with to huge men holding you back. Infront of you is this person or thing. A man walks up, and without any effort, picks up this person or thing, and throws it away... everything around you is now dark. Your chains are slackened and are released, the two men holding you immediately let go and drop you to the floor. Everything around you, your world begins to colapse. You feel like you are about to implode and your heart, stomach and brain are all tied in knots being wrenched and torn. The seiring loss that you hoped would never come, has arrived. The pain is just overwhelming. Everything was good, and now is gone.

I was reminded of that potential in anything you do. When you pour your everything into something, there may be loss, but at the same time, there will be fruit. When a forest catches fire, and is burned down, the earth becomes refirtilized, and new trees will grow from the old, and they will be stronger, more nourished than before. Simply pour, and do your best, go up and above what you can. I need to do this in ministry... in the calling that every christian is called to do- serve. At the bus, I'm more looking for kids that I can help, instead of kids I can better serve and pour into that way. If we're there to serve them, that is helping them, and naturally, because we are there infront of them, serving them, they will come to us... this applies to every area of life. Not just ministry. So, I challenge you to pour like you've never poured before. It will be risky, but then again, atleast you can look back and say that you atleast did your best...can you look back now and say you've done what you can? Or can you do more?

If you just skimmed over this... actually read it, and apply it, with the best of your ability, to your life.

Ever feel like you just want to strangle something... or someone? My room mate... ugh. I leave the door open because our room seriously stinks... and I'm not one who enjoys a friggen disgusting smelling bo-stenched room. My room doesn't smell like that... and he hates the smell of deoderizers... So, keeping the door open and allowing airflow seems like the logical option... right? WRONG! He has to sleep.. so, my comfort and probably hygene of some description is, again, sacrificed for him. He sleeps 90% of the day. It's so irratating. And he's always sick when a paper is due... and he doesn't hand it in, and the teachers feel sorry for him and give him extentions- or, he does half the work, with half the quality, and i'll actually put some effort (not completely full effort sadly), but he'll get the same mark as me! This is so stupid! He doesn't even clean the bathroom properly when it's his turn to do it...
Granted, there are things I can do better myself... if you think this is complaining, you've heard nothing. I could probably go on and on. Am I looking for pitty, no. Some who read this have no idea who my room mate is so I won't bother putting his name on here.. so yeah...

I'm just really frustrated. This kind of thing has been bugging me. You give, and give, and give, and you never get anything in return. I understand that giving is not about recieving so don't tell me what I already know. But still, it is NICE to recieve once in a while.. selfish? Maybe, but I have needs and wants too... often I feel neglected. And by needs and wants I'm talking about things that would leave me feeling encouraged or cared for. I get it from some people, but not as often as I probably should. What gets me through the days where I feel completely neglected and uncared for, which happens more often than I like it too or happens more than it really should because as far as I know the opposite is true? Definately God. He's always there for me. Do I always rely on him? No... but he is faithful regardless of the circumstance. I NEED him, and WANT what he has for me.

It comes down to just feeling used... may sound harsh, but yeah.. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of anything, and I'm not trying to claim a 'victim only' status.

I think my real problem roomwise for me has been putting thins away... I just haven't done it, my reasoning, although isn't all that great of one, is still a reasoning- I'm not entertaining people in my room, so I just don't care- and there's only one person who has more than anyone, really come once in a while to visit me, and that would be Jordan. I thank God for him.


On a completely seperate note, I've actually spent money on myself instead of other people or school. I bought King Kong today, and yesterday I bought a T-shirt from VV, and a flashlight, wirecutter, and little tool kit at Canadian Tire. Didn't need King Kong, or the t-shirt, but i needed the flashlight, wirecutter, and took kit mainly because I've used everyone elses and now I can just use my own.

It all comes down to strength... are we really willing to do what is right or no? And who's strength are we depending on to do what's right? I just realized my own isn't enough... I definately need God's help. I am not alone in this battle of life. Jesus is right there... pushing the lawnmower while I grab the cross bar, make him straddle, and make cutting the lawn take 10 times longer, and make it 100 times harder.

There you have it folks...
The last road trip for Resonate this year has finally come to a close.

Was it all worth? I would honestly not know how to answer that. There have been positives and negatives. Have I learned anything? Not what I would have liked to, but I learned about certain attitudes and beliefs that are some anal, and some I can respect. The one I can respect, but find at the same time to be something a little to religious would be practice. Practice is good, but if things are EXACTLY the way they are supposed to be whatever... I'm pretty sure God loves the spontanious acts of worship just as much as the prepared ones. Now, I think a lot of that whole issue could have been solved if other aspects of the group were logically evaluated and prayerfully considered, but it tought other people outside of the group.

I also learned that there are a lot of politics associated with a 'PR' band. Especially when the band itself doesn't want to be a PR band, but have to remember that we ARE a PR band. So, in a human sense, we want it to sound good and be properly run, while in a Godly sense, it doesn't necessarily have to sound good but it does have to be properly run.

Something positive that has come from this... today the youth pastor of Logan Lake Pentecostal Church asked me if I wanted to intern as a worship pastor this summer. Tempting... but too small a town- if it was the only thing I could get this summer, well I'd take it but it's not prefered, you know? Plus there's a lot of community work that would be associated with that. Then there was also the reaffirmation that Monty Hareb (however you spell/say his last name) wants me up in Quesnel as an intern.
I guess another positive thing would be the fact that my name is out there and many more pastors know me creating more resources and networks for future work/internships.

Another reaffirmation is that I really need a new acoustic.. which in all honesty really blows massive chunks because I would have to spend at the very least $800 because of what it would be used for. It wouldn't be a simple camp fire guitar... which even the guitar I have right now isn't good for that because of hte money it costs me in strings. My guitar simply sucks. Am I glad I have it? Yes. My guitar and I have been through many things together and that guitar has blessed many people from what I've been told.

So where does this leave me? Leaves me thinking that I hope, if I'm on Resonate again (which I hope I am) I want to make sure that it is done properly and it is logically and prayerfully put together.

I guess the amazing part of this year was this one simple thing that I learned this morning from a lady who gave me a lot of deer products, and I love her for it... God can use a bunch of rag-tag, definately not all-together college students and use them in miraculous ways even in our massive scew ups and failures- and people still look up to us and look to us for encouragement. Is this Moses' situation? Or David's? They were both leaders who obviously screwed up A LOT... yet they were the source of peoples guidance.... then you got the disciples/apostles (I'm not even going to get into them).

Resonate:
Really
Extreme
Sociable
Outragous
Nutty
Adults
Trying
Earnestly... to follow God.

This is officially the best birthday ever...
Got the girl...
Got the family...
Got the friends...
Got Jesus...
...Got Milk?


The only way which today could really get any better is if another person decided to randomly give me more money... but what I was given will suffice. haha.